Letter of Reflection: One Real Response to "How Are You?" by Mindelyn Anderson

How am I today?  

Interesting you should ask. Honestly, I have been  struggling through the days lately.  

I remember why I stopped teaching Privilege  courses at the university level those years ago.  The weight of willful ignorance, disbelief of  inequitable facts, denial of codified historical  destruction of communities, and refusal to name  the systems that bind us all nor own the power to  change them—it was all too heavy. 

And the weight of this moment rocks me now,  when I look at my husband (Black man) and my  son (Black man in the making) and my daughters  (Black women in the making) and take in all that  means in this nation, in this world. When I know  that my nephews (young Black and Brown men)  are protesting in California in the same cities  where the law firms of old college classmates  have class action lawsuits against police  

departments for murdering and battering Black  and Brown people. When I ferry recommendation  and referral requests from old students and  colleagues on the chopping blocks of downsizing  organizations. When I connect resources to  other small business owners that will mean the  difference between lights on, lights off, adequate  food, shelter and sustenance, or decades’ long  dreams dashed in weeks. As I sit uncomfortably  comfortable, “safe” and teetering on edge knowing  what is happening with rubber bullets, tear gas,  and more in downtown DC, LA, Georgia, Louisville,  Minneapolis, and across the nation. Horrors not  new, yet destined to repeat without actions to  transform unjust systems and commitment to  liberation.

I vacillate over what to say to CEOs and Senior  leaders of philanthropic organizations over the  coming months with passion but not with tears?  Are the containers with interactive flowcharts,  reflection guides, and mapping enough to spur the  equitable action we all need or is this yet another  space for people to pontificate and do nothing  despite holding more resources and power than  most? Are the evaluation, learning, and strategy  reports with recommendations for systems change  well-received and acted upon or questioned,  neutered, and tucked away never to be shared  with frontline staff who demand change? 

Despite typing all of this, I feel at a loss for words  lately. So how am I? 

I am disabused of any notion that this is a “hearts  and minds” game. Power and in/action in rule setting/policies, resource distribution, decision  making, movement and more have worn me thin. I  pray every day, several times a day. I cry everyday,  several times a day. Through all the selective  muting in meetings and strategic cameras off, I  still do all the things expected of me, expected  of us, all while gasping for breath and seeking  refuge, and calling for action/change from this  weight carried for 400+ years. I am fatigued and  yearning.  

Thank you for checking in on me. And how are  you? 

Mindelyn Anderson is Founder + Principal of Mirror Group LLC